Sexual jokes
WHY CONDOMS COME IN BOXES OF 3, 6, and 12
First B.J.
A young bou comes downstairs and sits next to his father watching T.V. on the couch
The father notices the boy has a huge grin on his face. he asks, "Son, whats with the huge smile?"
The boy says, "Well, Dad. Last night i experienced my first blowjob!" "That's great!" says the father, "Tell me all about it!"
So the boy starts telling him, "OK, so there I was, I was on my knees, and i had this dick in my mouth..."
Elephants privates
A boy and his mother are watching a Discovery channel program about elephants. He asks his mother, "Hey, mom...what is that thing?"
She replies, "That's the elephant's trunk."
"No, what is that thing... right in the middle?"
Flustered, the mother says, "Ummm, that's... that's nothing, son."
So the boys mother quickly leaves the room and his dad walks in. the boy asks his dad, " Hey pop, what's that thing?"
His father answers, "Son, that's the elephants penis."
The boy looks at his old man with a puzzled look and asks, "Well, why did mom say it was nothing?"
His father turmed to him and said, "Well that because your mother is spoiled, son."
Where do babies come from
Mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her youngest daughter walks in.
Child: Mother, where do babies come from?
Mother: Well dear...a mommy and daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their room...they kiss and hug and have sex. (The daughter looks puzzled.) That means the daddy puts his penis in the mummy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey.
Child: Oh I see, but the other night when I came into you and daddy's room, you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when a you do that?
Mother: Jewelry, dear.
Blonde having puppies
There were three women sitting in a doctor's office, a blond, a brunette, and a red-head. They were all pregnant.
"I'm having a boy because I was on the bottom," said the brunette.
"Well, I'm having a girl because I was on top," said the red-head.
All of a sudden the blond started crying. They asked her what was wrong. "I'm having puppies," exclaimed the blond.
Deathbed confession
Jake was on his deathbed. His wife Susan, was maintaining a vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears ran down her face.
Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.
"My darling Susan," he whispered. "Hush, my love," she said.
"Rest. Shhh. Don't talk." He was insistent.
"Susan," he said in his tired voice. "I have something I must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Susan.
"Everything's all right, go to sleep."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Susan. I slept with your sister, your best friend and your mother."
"I know," she replied. "That's why I poisoned you."
Voodoo penis
A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip.
He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy sex drive, so he thought he'd buy her a little something to keep her occupied while he was gone.
He went to a store that sold sex toys and started to look around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildo's, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation.
"Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of thing that will keep her occupied for weeks, except..." and he stopped.
"Except what?" the man asked.
"Nothing, nothing."
"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"
"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo penis."
"So what's up with this Voodoo Penis?" he asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very old wooden box, carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He opened it, and there lay an ordinary-looking dildo.
The businessman laughed, and said "Big damn deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"
The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."
He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo Penis, the door." The Voodoo Penis miraculously rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with the vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form down the middle. Before the door split, the old man said "Voodoo Penis, return to box!" The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to the box and lay there quiescent once more.
"I'll take it!" said the businessman.
The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but finally surrendered to 1000 in cash and an imitation Rolex.
The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo Penis, my crotch." He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.
After he'd been gone a few days, his wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the Voodoo Penis.
She undressed, opened the box and said, "Voodoo Penis, my crotch!" The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was absolutely incredible, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three mind-shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough.
She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off.
Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another incredible intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road.
A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, she explained, "I haven't had anything to drink, officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me!"
The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in an arrogant voice replied, "Yeah, right... Voodoo Penis, my ass!"