What's the difference between a rotwieler and a poodle?
If a rotwieler starts humping your leg you let it finish.
Did you hear about the Blind man that went Bunjee jumping?
Scared the hell out of the dog.
An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor."Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night." "Have you tried counting sheep?" "That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."
I only use de-oudourant under one arm, so I know what I would have smelled of.
What do Viagra And Disney Land have in common?
They both cause you to stand around for an hour waiting for a two minute ride!!
Q:What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
A:About 45 pounds!!
Q:What is the difference between a huband and a boyfriend?
A:About 45 minutes !!
Experts say that although Frank Sinatra is dead, his act is still 150% more entertaining than Frank Sinatra Jr.'s.
This new drug Viagra takes the concept of recreational drugs to a whole new level, doesn't it?
WOMAN: The most efficient money reducing agent known to man-kind!
What is the difference between a whore, a nimpho, and a blonde?
The whore says, "Aren't you done yet?" , The nimpho says, "Are you done ALREADY?" And the blonde says, "Beige. I think I'll paint the celling beige..."
Did you hear about the new blonde paint? It's not real bright, but it's cheap, and spreads easy.
Two friends meet each other on the street. "hello! Where are you coming from?" asked Bill. "Oh, don't ask me! I'm coming from the cemetery. I just burried my mother-in-law" replied Sid. "I'm so sorry!" said Bill, "But why is your face schratched all over?". "It wasn't so easy!" said Sid, "She put on a hell of a fight!"
When you ask a housewife, accountant, and lawyer what 2+2 is, what do they give you?
The housewife says "Four." The accountant says "It's either three or four, let me run it through my spreadsheet again." The lawyer closes the shutters, turns down the lights, and whispers "What do you want it to be?"
Did you hear about the blonde who crashed her plane?
"The runway was only 25ft long, but a mile wide"
Why was Phillip's girlfreind dissapointed?
Because she found out that Phillips 24 inch was a television.
What's the differemce between meat and fish?
If you beat your fish, it'll die.
this man went to a whore house. he had no arms and no legs. When the madam answered the door she asked what he wanted. He said that he wanted a woman. She replyed you have no arms and no legs what can you do? With that he replyed I rang the door bell didn't I?
What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A whore sleeps with everyone at the party and a bitch sleeps with everyone except you.
How are twisters (tornadoes) and marriage alike?
They both begin with a lot of blowing and sucking, and in the end you lose your house.
Why is a woman like a Kentucky fried chicken meal?
By the time you've finished with the breasts and thighs, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.
What do Germans use for birth control?
Their personalities!
Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet?
He was looking for Pooh!
"Hey Bill, I heard you can download the whole Tyson-Holyfield fight off the internet". "No kidding? How much memory will it take up?". "Not much, just two Bytes."
What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
You don't, you've told her twice already!
Why do elephants paint thier testicles red?
So they can hide in cherry trees.
What's the loudest noise in the jungle?A Monkey eating cherries.
What's the biggest drawback in the jungle?
The Elephants foreskin.
I believe in making the world safe for our children. But not our children's children, because I don't think chilldren should be having sex.
What's the difference between an aerobics instructor and a torturer?
The torturer would apologize first.
Incest. A game the whole family can play.
Two men were changing in the locker room after a game of tennis. One notices the other one is putting on pair of stockings and suspenders. He says "When did you start wearing them?" To which the other man replies "Since my wife found a pair on the back seat of the car."
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
How do you breathe through that thing?
What do you call a man that doesn't use contraceptives?
Daddy.
He who laughs last doesn't get the joke.
Old jokes never die. They just sound like they do.
(To the tune of 'Yesterday')
Leprocy, bits and pieces falling off of me,
I'm not half the man I used to be,
Oh I contracted Leprocy.
Boss: (too employee) Experts say that humour on the job relieves tension in this time of down-sizing, Knock, knock.
Employee: Who's there?
Boss: Not you anymore.
Imagine a flasher in the freezing smow.
For sale : Twin beds, one hardly used.
An old lady owned two monkeys. One day they both died, so she took them to the taxodermist, 'So you want them mounted?' asked the taxidermist. To which she replied ; 'No. Holding hands will do just fine.'
Why does an elephant have four feet?
Because it would look silly with six inches.
What do you call a woman who can suck golf balls through a hose?
Darling.
The graduate with a science degree asks 'Why does it work?'
The graduate with an engenieering degree asks 'How does it do that?'
The graduate with an accounting degree asks 'How much does it cost?'
The graduate with the Arts degree asks 'Do you want fries with that?'
Eve to Adam: 'What do you mean the kids don't look like you?'
What is the last thing to go through the mind of a mosquito when it hits your windscreen?
It's ass.
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
What has 90 balls and screws little old ladies?
Bingo.
What did the german clockmaker say to the clock that only went 'tick, tick, tick'?
'Ve haff vays of making you tock!'